I’ve been struggling the urge to write a candid exposition
about all kinds of pressures I have been currently facing. Sure, I’ve brought
it up before on Instagram and Facebook, but there is so much more that I feel I
need to bring forward to the world wide web. There are a lot of complainers out
there, I know… and I definitely don’t want to join the crowd. Maybe, this urge
of being straightforward rises from the fact that I don’t have friends
(disregarding family) that I can be completely honest and open with (although,
we’ll get to that later). I really
don’t care if anyone does read my “rant” but it feels good to put it out there
in case someone does, and relates and/or understands and/or sympathizes and/or
is enlightened also to take a stand (if only). So here goes nothing.
Struggling with health issues has been one of the hardest
struggles for me this far in my journey. Very few know about it because I don’t
victimize myself, especially when it’s something I really cannot control. But
to stop the whisperings of the curious, I’d like to be open about my trials.
The vileness of hypothyroidism has been the hardest thing to deal with. The
constant nausea, weight gain, lack of energy, hair loss, and fatigue make up my
days from morning to night. Sure, maybe I’m not a gym rat and I eat the
occasional vegan/gf doughnut, but not being able to have control over the
weight I am gaining has been more than a battle. Everyone seems to have the
perfect way to stay fit and lose weight and have that perfect body (and thanks
for the tips), but unfortunately that doesn’t work for me. And there’s more: vitiligo,
endometriosis, supraventricular tachycardia. I have been thoroughly labeled by the doctors. Of course, I
can’t complain because I’m not dying and there are people way worse off. But yes, your comment on my weight gain
does hurt. And yes, I wear lots makeup to cover up those areas of
depigmentation. And yes, I’ve been on hormones nearly 10 years because of the
debilitating effects of endometriosis. I would just like for anyone reading
this to understand that there is a lot that we don’t know about people and
their struggles. Be kind to one another.
Phew. That felt kind of good. I guess it’s about time to say
that I probably need friends and it would be healthier to confide in someone
rather than to put it all out there. But alas, I am not the friendliest of
people. I guess I just don’t pick up the phone to call because many times I
feel that people have their own lives and who am I to interrupt their bliss.
Yet another pressure to deal with.
It’s already been put out there about the pressures of
society and how the grass always seems to be greener on the other side of the
fence (good thing I don’t have a yard). Growing up in an immigrant Romanian
family, I felt that we always strived to have more than our neighbor (mostly,
more than the neighbor on the pew at church) and there was always that
competition factor in what your income had to show for itself (hence all the
shining BMW’s, Porsche’s, Mercedes’, etc. in the church parking lot). That pressure hasn’t stopped with just
my parent’s generation, but continues on in their offspring of just as wild and
crazed money grabbers and spenders.
When I went to school out in the middle of nowhere Arkansas, I had the
most mind-blowing experience of being literally removed from this society. I didn’t realize it at the time, but
now I can say with all certainty that such a life of removal from this world is
exactly what God wants for me. David Asscherick once said, that we need to take
an extreme measure for God. Many times I hear people say that “we need a
balance”…I don’t know about you, but it seems like the Bible clearly states
being lukewarm is way worse than being hot or cold. Of course, I admit that the shackles of prosperity, shiny
objects, prized possessions, outward beauty, and the endless greed of green
bind me to the rotting earth. I could never deny that sad fact…hence my prayer
of sincerity of wanting more than this world offers….wanting something eternal.
There is one last point that has been weighing heavy on my
heart. After moving to Atlanta and
becoming a member at the church here, I’ve done my best to be an “active” church
member. When my husband and I were asked to help out leading the youth, we
accepted this “duty” not for ourselves, but as working for God. It has been
quite the journey, and I have to admit that in the end, I am stronger because
of it. As a youth leader, you end
up dealing with a lot of drama, attitudes, and issues. We were called “the
worst youth leaders” directly to our face, we were stood up by the same youth
who complain week in and week out about not having enough activities, we were
accused of not being spiritual enough (although very, very few showed up to any
spiritual meeting we set up). We
were told in the beginning that we would have a support group to help us with
the endeavor, although, for the last year and a half, very few agreed to help. We had a big help from a father with
three kids, and also from a mother with three kids. Although my husband and I were leaders together, there were
times that (big) decisions were made for us with the bulk of the responsibility
resting on us. We were put under financial pressure and no one batted an eye.
Although, I cried on more than one occasion, and struggled greatly, I am now
happy to say that God has more in mind that our petty struggles. I pray that
God can keep the next youth leader strong. This duty is not for your own gain, nor really for the
youth, it is something that has to be done with the entirety of the heart for
God.
I know it was a lot, although reading it all back, I feel
like I haven’t even scratched the surface. I can’t complain though, because God
has my back. He also has yours and though you may be going through more than
the worlds knows or even cares, God is there and He very much wants to go
through it with you. I’m thankful for my husband, who through the throes of
marital bliss, has been with me every waking (and sleeping) moment. Life goes
on and each breath is a precious gift. Let’s not forget to be kind, courteous,
and gentle with one another for there is enough wretchedness in this world already. And as we say in the Romanian church community, "Peace".
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